I'm happy because


May 7, 2012, 8:27 AM
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I have kept this blog for a couple of years now.  At first, I had to “fake it” until I could “make it”, and it became easier over time.  The true miracle was when I could finally let Christ heal my wounded heart, and I finally could forgive the unforgivable.  Happiness comes all the easier when you are not holding onto such a burden.  I am grateful for the atonement, and I am grateful for the use of this blog over the past couple of years.  I’m grateful, also, that I no longer need it for me to remember to be happy.  My periods of despair are fewer, despite the trials that come my way being more difficult.  My happiness is something I can find nearly every day.  Without as much effort.  I think I’ve gotten a habit formed, a very good habit, of looking for (and usually finding) the positive.  I’m not perfect.  I have bad days, and some are very bad.  But more often than not I am a happy person.  I love life.  I love the challenges that force me to grow, even though I might not love them in the midst of them.  I think I have discovered how to dance in the rain, find joy in the journey, and remember who I am.  And so, I am closing this blog, and will no longer be using wordpress for my blogging.  I’m not sure if I will blog elsewhere, and if so, what I will blog about.  I am hoping to start my sewing business in earnest, and soon.  I am still recovering from the breast cancer, and have surgery and (possibly) radiation yet to look forward to.  I am moving in with family, which is truely a blessing, in order to regain my strength and find my feet again financially and physically.  I am making many changes, but I’m sure they will be for the best.  I am confident that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, that He will bless me if I will continue to seek Him.  I am grateful for that knowledge, that testimony that bears me up day-to-day, in all things.  I look forward to the day when I can help others as I have been helped, when I can regain the use of my mental faculties and physical abilities so that I might put them to use helping to bless the lives of others.

I am happy.  And I say to all, ” if you seek, you shall surely find”, so set  your heart to see those things that are good and pure.  Look for the happiness in your bleakest hour.  You shall find it.  This I promise you.



15 years ago to…
April 2, 2012, 1:53 AM
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15 years ago today my oldest daughter came into the world with little grunts and squeaks, instead of the loud cry typical of most newborns.  As soon as I saw her my heart was full.  I breathed in her sweet baby smells.  I touched her soft curls, and kissed her perfect little toes.  My life was forever changed in those first moments of new life.

I remember every first, and how new the whole world looked to me as I watched it through the eyes of my newborn child.  I was awed, amazed, at the wonders that our Father in Heaven had created just for us!  I could picture more clearly the love He had to have had for each of his children.  If my imperfect love was so great, how much greater was His love for each of us!

I remember being overwhelmed by the responsibility of my stewardship for one of His sweet spirit children.  And I remember having faith that He knew I was capable of loving this child, this sweet, chubby, squirmy little girl.  And love her I have.  With everything I have in me.

I remember how complete I felt at that time.  I had been married in the temple, and my husband slept in a chair near my hospital bed.  I felt blessed to know that we were an eternal family, my daughter born in the covenant and sealed to me for time and eternity!  I still feel blessed to know this, even though my marriage did not survive the trials that stood before it.  I know that, so long as I do all I can to keep my temple covenants, that I am still sealed to my dear children.

I am so grateful that my children have come into my life.  And today, because it is her birthday, I am especially grateful for my oldest daughter.  I am proud of the young woman she is becoming, and look forward to watching her grow and stretch her wings!  I’m grateful that the Lord has blessed her with such a tender heart, and that she is sensitive to the spirit.  I’m so glad that she has a testimony, and that she is growing in the Lord.

I never knew, when I held that chubby little babe in my arms 15 years ago, that I wasn’t only her teacher, but also her student.  She has taught me so very much, and I’m grateful for the lessons I have learned through and because of her!  How many blessings she has brought to me, I can not say.  There are too many to count, it boggles the mind!

My life, our lives, have all been blessed to know her.  She so frequently lacks confidence in herself!  If only she could see herself the way I see her.  The way her Heavenly Father sees her!  She is so special to us both!

Happy Birthday, Amber.  I’m happy because of you.



I am happy beca…
March 30, 2012, 2:49 PM
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am happy because:

  • I have a wonderful friend in my kids’ bonus mom.  She is so amazingly generous and thoughtful.  I’m so grateful that she has been sent into our lives, the good Lord knew what he was doing!
  • A good friend sent me an attachement in an email that was a song, performed by her, that spoke right to my heart.  It was touching, in many ways.  I appreciated the song before I knew she was the one who sang it, but after I knew that she sang it, it felt like, when listening to it, that she was singing it just for me.  I know she wasn’t, but still.  It sure feels wonderful!
  • Today I was able to take several naps, which has been helpful.  Chemo can really take it out of a person, and it helps when you can sleep off some of the less-than-pleasant symptoms!
  • Another friend just called to check on me.  It is wonderful to have so many people thinking of, caring for, and praying for you.  I feel so watched over!
  • Eventually I will be healthy again, and I will be able to do for others.


I am happy beca…
March 28, 2012, 11:50 PM
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am happy because:

Let’s see.  First of all, because I have amazing friends who are being very supportive during this difficult time in my life.  I don’t know that I could get through this without each and every one of them.  Secondly, I’m happy because tomorrow is my last chemo infusion for this round, then I get a whole week off!  Yay for that!  I’m excited to have a break, and maybe feel a little better for a few days!  I’m also happy because I have been able to have a better relationship with my little brother lately, which is a huge deal to me.  We’ve not had much of anything since I moved out at age 17.  I’ve missed him, we used to be close.  I’m also happy because I have an employer who is being very understanding and flexible about this whole cancer thing.  I’m happy that my older girls were able to stay a little longer this week and keep me company.  And I’m happy that they are pretty self-sufficient, so I didn’t have a whole lot of extra work because they stayed.  And I’m happy that I have such a supportive ex, and that he has such an incredible wife (my kids’ step-mom).  I’m happy that my car is running, and that it has working air conditioning.  I’m happy that I have an amazing bishopric, and I feel so very taken care of by these inspired priesthood holders!  I’m happy that conference is coming up, even if I do have to go to the church to watch it this year.  I think it’s amazing that it’s available!  I’m happy that I will be able to sign off on a few YW goals early next week for my girls, and that my girls can sign off on a few for ME as well!  I’m happy that I have been able to continue working, albeit part time, during my chemo, and that the money helps me pay for gasoline and my prescriptions.  I’m happy that I have prescription medications to help alleviate some of the side-effects of the chemo.  I’m happy for the beautiful weather we have been having, and I’m happy for the safety I feel in my home despite recent criminal activities in the complex.  I’m happy for the blessings I have for being obedient, and I recognise the Lord’s hand in my life every day!  I’m happy that I got the new Ensign in the mail.  I’m happy that I have several wonderful hats to cover my bald noggin!  I’m happy that I don’t have to buy shampoo, too!  And I’m happy that I can play silly online games to distract me from scarier stuff.  And I’m happy that Amber gave me a Kit Kat that she bought with her babysitting money, because she is so sweet and generous, and I’m happy that she’s that way!  Plus I really love chocolate!  :-)  I’m happy for the laptop I am using right now.  I’m happy to look over and see my Janome all ready for me to start using when I feel better.  And I’m happy for the angels who blessed me with said Janome, one year ago.  I’m happy that I took the time to write down some happies, because by the time I was done typing this random string of things I started to smile, which is something I hadn’t done much of today.  I’m so grateful for “Happy Because”, it has changed my life.



I am happy beca…
March 28, 2012, 11:50 PM
Filed under: Uncategorized

I am happy because:

Let’s see.  First of all, because I have amazing friends who are being very supportive during this difficult time in my life.  I don’t know that I could get through this without each and every one of them.  Secondly, I’m happy because tomorrow is my last chemo infusion for this round, then I get a whole week off!  Yay for that!  I’m excited to have a break, and maybe feel a little better for a few days!  I’m also happy because I have been able to have a better relationship with my little brother lately, which is a huge deal to me.  We’ve not had much of anything since I moved out at age 17.  I’ve missed him, we used to be close.  I’m also happy because I have an employer who is being very understanding and flexible about this whole cancer thing.  I’m happy that my older girls were able to stay a little longer this week and keep me company.  And I’m happy that they are pretty self-sufficient, so I didn’t have a whole lot of extra work because they stayed.  And I’m happy that I have such a supportive ex, and that he has such an incredible wife (my kids’ step-mom).  I’m happy that my car is running, and that it has working air conditioning.  I’m happy that I have an amazing bishopric, and I feel so very taken care of by these inspired priesthood holders!  I’m happy that conference is coming up, even if I do have to go to the church to watch it this year.  I think it’s amazing that it’s available!  I’m happy that I will be able to sign off on a few YW goals early next week for my girls, and that my girls can sign off on a few for ME as well!  I’m happy that I have been able to continue working, albeit part time, during my chemo, and that the money helps me pay for gasoline and my prescriptions.  I’m happy that I have prescription medications to help alleviate some of the side-effects of the chemo.  I’m happy for the beautiful weather we have been having, and I’m happy for the safety I feel in my home despite recent criminal activities in the complex.  I’m happy for the blessings I have for being obedient, and I recognise the Lord’s hand in my life every day!  I’m happy that I got the new Ensign in the mail.  I’m happy that I have several wonderful hats to cover my bald noggin!  I’m happy that I don’t have to buy shampoo, too!  And I’m happy that I can play silly online games to distract me from scarier stuff.  And I’m happy that Amber gave me a Kit Kat that she bought with her babysitting money, because she is so sweet and generous, and I’m happy that she’s that way!  Plus I really love chocolate!  :-)  I’m happy for the laptop I am using right now.  I’m happy to look over and see my Janome all ready for me to start using when I feel better.  And I’m happy for the angels who blessed me with said Janome, one year ago.  I’m happy that I took the time to write down some happies, because by the time I was done typing this random string of things I started to smile, which is something I hadn’t done much of today.  I’m so grateful for “Happy Because”, it has changed my life.



March 15, 2012, 11:36 PM
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today was my first round of my chemotherapy called “Doxyrubicin” (aka “red devil”) and “Cytoxin”.  I may have spelled that wrong.  I don’t know, and I’m a little tired so I don’t really care either.

Today has been a struggle for me, here and there.  On the one hand, I got to see a cousin I haven’t seen in ages.  On the other hand, I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I would had I not just had my veins pumped full of poison.  I did manage to eat, but had to hide the fact that the food made my stomach roil all the rest of the time I was there.  And, the food didn’t taste very good.  Not because my mom can’t cook, because she’s wicked good.  But because the chemo makes everything taste and smell weird.  So, it’s been  . . . . just a tricky sort of day for me.

I have many things to be happy about, however, so I am gonna rattle some of them off, which I’m sure will help me deal with all of the above.

I’m happy because:

  • Today I went into the office to arrange for time off in July (for a camping trip with the kids) and to set up direct deposit, buy two more scrub tops, and update my staffer on the latest health news so that she is informed.  Anyways, when I got there, the owner of the company came sweeping out when she heard I was there.  She wanted to hug me, offer her support, and told me that if I found myself in need of a caregiver’s services, to let her know and she would make arrangements, even if she had to come out and do it herself.  Wow, I was completely floored by this.  She barely knows me, really, but some how I’ve managed to stand out enough that she knows me, knows what’s going on, and feels to help!  She also told me that I was an excellent caregiver, and that she appreciates all I do for my clients.  It was a nice, nice thing.  It really touched me, and when I got into my car and drove away I found myself choking back emotional tears.
  • Today an order was placed for three cancer caps.  They should arrive rather quickly, too.  I’m grateful, as the thought of running around without any hair (once it falls out) is mortifying!  Yipes!  I’m so grateful that someone thought of that, and knew my need, and arranged to provide for it.  Those cancer caps are NOT cheap, either.  I’m truely blessed!
  • I was able to visit with a cousin today that I haven’t seen in a very, very long time.  When we were kids, we were very close.  He and his sister were some of my best friends.  We went though a lot together, and there is a lot of history, and etc.  It was super nice to see him, and wish the visit could have been longer, despite my feeling yucky during the whole thing.
  • My mother has a Meyer lemon tree in her back yard.  Meyer lemons are super small, super soft and smooth, and not as tart as regular melons.  They also smell really nice.  I had to look up the lemon on my phone’s google, because I had never seen a fruit like that one.  Anyways, it was cool, and I brought a couple home to try out.  I’m happy to have had a chance to learn something new, and to have had a chance to bring some home!  And the chance I had to sit and visit with my mom!
  • The gal who administered my chemo infusion today got my vein in only one poke, and didn’t have to fish around or anything.  The appointment was quite fast, and efficient, and my arm looks none the worse for wear.  I hope I have such a skilled person working every time I walk in for treatment!
  • I’m happy that tomorrow is Friday.  After work, I’m going to rest.  And I might call it an early night.  I’d do the same tonight, but the nausea isn’t helping me relax, which is why I got onto this blog.  I have to focus on something good!!!  Tomorrow is Friday.  Lotsa rest day!


Today was a tad…
March 5, 2012, 9:11 PM
Filed under: Uncategorized

Today was a tad more difficult for me, as I gained a new client and had to work longer.  It will take me some time to adjust to the new client, her needs and expectations, her routines . . . etc.  So I was pretty worn out by the end of the day, and then I had some very cranky kids to deal with for a couple of hours, which left me feeling even more exhausted and, with it, a touch discouraged.  I needed a lift.

So I’m grateful for the choir performance tonight.  My daughter did exceptionally well, and the choir was pretty fantastic overall.  The whole performance left me feeling a little better all on it’s own.  I appreciate Becca’s new teacher, she’s very talented and enthusiastic, and it shows in the way the kids perform.

I am also grateful for my kids’ bonus mom.  She’s pretty amazing.  I wish we were sisters in the literal sense of the word.  We have a lot in common, and I feel very comfortable around her.  You wouldn’t think so, seeing as how she married my ex and all, but really, being around her is as easy as anything, and I enjoy her company and her conversation.  We had a few minutes of chit-chat after the performance tonight, and it made me laugh and I felt better about the day.

It’s amazing to think how the Lord has blessed me in ways you would not imagine.  Like my kids’ bonus mom being amazing.  And my kids being blessed with talents that make my heart swell with pride.

There are many ways I have been blessed.  My power was reconnected in record time.  My car continues to get me to and from work.  The washer and dryer are still working.  I have a nice clean closet.  And a clean vanity sink.  And my fabric stash is well on it’s way to being organized.  And I have good friends who help care for my children after school, during extracurricular activities like scouts, and more.  And there are scriptures on the internet, that I can listen to when I need a boost but don’t want to read.  And there is free music online, and free videos.  And tutorials for sewing and quilting and crafting.  And so many other wonderful things.

I could make a list a mile long and still have more to add.

I’ve been blessed.  There is so much to be grateful for.  And I’m happiest when I remember that.




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